Monday, April 20, 2015
179. Kerja @ Monday, April 20, 2015
"Aku macam tak culturally fits dengan environment company tu. Maybe it is too early for me to embark journey within such big company."
So last night I accidentally found a guy version of me on internet. Funny how he seems to be in the same dilemma as I am. All is due to our current works. Kept telling myself, that I am lucky to be given a chance by working there. Blessed for getting such a wonderful, very kind hearted senior manager, in fact I learnt a lot from her, she is the kind of woman I will look for in my future days. Kept telling myself, all is going to be fine. "You'll be okay with this kind of lifestyle, you are still learning so give yourself a chance. Will fit in one day, keep trying. You cannot expect everyday to be flowery and jolly. There got to be a day or two of a dusty one." And yadayada.. The list of excuses goes on and on.
Not gonna lie or anything, yes I always had this thought that working can be such an unpleasing routine. Especially with the unpassionate stuff I am currently working right now. Susah nak dapat rasa ikhlas waktu bekerja. Sad life. So early this morning, I deliberately requested for a day of medical leave, though, though I am physically unwounded. Yet emotionally scattered. Yes, thats right fellas. So sick it is to think that you are currently being "used" rather than being treated equally, just because you are "a junior".
The slick seniors can be like, "Do you have anything urgent on your hand right now? Can you please help me doing this "shit i haven't finish so i give it to you equally you will be taking responsibility on it byes." Duh? Some can be seeing avoiding themselves from talking to each other and use me (read: ME!) as the middle kind of person and what-the-hell of attitude is that? Adults can be such a clown let me tell you. Things can be out of the hands, and imagined when they presumely use me as the scapegoat, ha! Funny clowns.
Please do not take it in a wrong way. Yes sometimes I did feel happy to be there, some are so click-able. And I learnt a good grasp of new things. But most of the time, I am the kind of out of the way. Even they noticed it themselves! Forever being the one who seem unconnected. Deliberately wanting to be unconnected. I just couldn't get myself into them, and their kind of jokes.
Remember when I first jap my foot over the place, and they braggingly told me, "No other places will give you fresh graduate fella with such step by step assurances, but we do!" Being grateful I am, I slowly embracing another stage of learning, learning, making mistakes and yadayada. Yet somehow I believe it just nurtures another kind of depressing me, brushing me on with pessimisms. What if I will never find a job suits me best than this? What if I will never find a kind hearted Ms Wong in my next journey? What if I will regret with the decision and desperately wanting to get back working over there? What if the next job pay me lesser than this?
The answers to self-question: Truthfully, to say that money isn't important is such a big lie. It is important, but it is not everything. Remember. You can always make money, and you can always choose to be happy while making it. I am still young, I will meet many people in my life and there will be definitely times in the future where I will look back and say, "That was a stunning year to be remember" yet, as for right now, is the right time to leave it behind. You might meeting a more kind person than Ms Wong, yet you might find the devil wears prada type of bosses. Speaking of probability, life is all about probability and possibilities.. So go for it, wrong count might lead you to failure but remember, every seven times fall, you stand up eight.
"Aku rasa aku tak sesuai duduk KL. I am not the city type of guy."
And always wanted to be nearby home. So whats wrong with working nearby home? Tak challenge? Tak macam berjaya? Brush off. Was so happy during my intern days, coz I got to work nearby home, and I performed pretty well too. Nowadays, early Monday after fajr prayer is always the kind of moment where I'll be seeing contemplating whether I should carry on with this unhappy lies or follow what I always wanted to be.
"By the age of 30 I should follows my heartbeat. I'll do all the things I want. One of them, "buka cafe jual makanan kampung."
I wanted to be happy with what I am doing with my life. - for me, buka kedai buku :)
Cause I valued my happiness more than I am valuing money, there you'd go.
That kind of person is what I had shaped my life to be for the past few years, no regret dude.
Life is a kind of trivial matter. My future might be uncertain right now but I believe, I am strong for I have my ibu and ayah's blessings. In fact, diorang yang beria-ria suruh cari kerja area rumah. Indeed. Perhaps you hate a thing, and it is good for you. And perhaps you love a thing, and it is bad for you. And Allah knows, while you know not.
Although I sounded like an ungrateful bitch in this post, but you know, YOLO as it may seems, you only live once. Hence, I need to push the stop button. And yes, I know my life is bitter, yet this bitterness shall stop at 24, once I left all the negativity behind.
A cue to further my study I guess. A cue to go back home. A cue to refurbish the resignation letter.
Another submission for You. Bismillah.
Labels: a little thought, work-life