Saturday, June 17, 2017
205. Miserable @ Saturday, June 17, 2017
Have you ever feel depressed about yourself for making people worry about you again and again? I am, right now, while writing this pieces of stuff, is crying at my unending miserable event happened in my life. Ha-ha. While people at my age, (26 turning 27 everyone) I believe is finally having the urge to settle down with whatever stuffs they believe will be staying with them to the end of time, I, on the other hand, is pretty much closing every chances of outsiders to know me better. I keep everything to myself. Like, myself is my best friend.
People always believe that I am sort of calm guru. Who managed everything under her nose, perfectly. If I could manage it, I won't need any help. At least, thats what people out there seems to put a definition about me. But reality is, I am not. I feel scare at times, I cry when I am alone, I need help when thing goes wrong and I make mistake too. Thing is, nobody was there (or maybe I was too ignorant, my EGO was too high) so I feel it all alone.. I have nobody really, in a form of human, in particular, to speak up my fearfulness. Some people might have the so-called BFF in their life. But the uncomfortable introvert in me finding it too intimate, I couldn't bear the consequences of sharing my weakness to those who don't even share their unhappiness with me. (Thats where blog happened to intrude)
Of course there's ayah and ibu. Oh this two are too dear to me, why would I make them feel unhappy with the unlucky things happened in my life? They are precious, hence only happy thing is allowed. I know, I am actually the one who's trying to put a distance. So the blame shirt goes to me. Kaklong is only a year gap with me, outsiders might think she is my kinda twin, the bestest bestest friend from the same womb but she's clever, pretty, quick minded and everything everyone wishes in a girl. She's like a grand milestone, I couldn't catch her up. (But I still hope ibu and ayah will still be proud of me, sobs). And a year gap didn't help much in our communication. We are in the different leagues, I don't do make up, I am not funny, and kids don't like me. Jeehan might solely the one I looked for, we talked a lot about life, but when she's ON it, yes we could talk hours about it. And when she's NOT in it, I am back to the square one.
Imeen, well, we put that young man aside for this time.
And this literally makes me a frequent speaker of life to my Allah. Sounds like a crappy talk but no, I am so pitiful, I feel helpless with this perfectionist mask I wear everywhere in my life. So I talked to Him, a lot. When things happened not according to what I've wished it to be, I really really really look up for the hikmah. For it always heals the wound of breaking up. For instance, when I lost my phone earlier this year, I ended up reading 40 books before June, lol. Sounds positive ain't it? Maybe it sorts of kifarah dosa, for me to learn zuhd, or something? Or maybe I should break this thick ice surrounding my life and quit thinking what others might think about me and be outspoken, even if it sounds silly. (Lol, not me)
Maybe I should quit this job of mine. It drives me into unnecessary stress.
Oh and this derailed post is totally wasting up time - I cried because just earlier today, I had times of those miserable event in working place and, and almost lost my phone for the second time of this year.
(End of story, I still love my fam the most!)